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Post by alamojohnuk on Nov 28, 2007 3:16:58 GMT -5
If a dog's sense of smell is 100 times greater than a human's, why do they have to stick their noses up your butt? Because they can ??
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Post by Greg C. on Nov 28, 2007 15:09:25 GMT -5
If a dog's sense of smell is 100 times greater than a human's, why do they have to stick their noses up your butt? Because they can ?? I was thinking the same thing lol...
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Post by Greg C. on Dec 22, 2007 22:54:21 GMT -5
A wise man once said that "There are no stupid kids, just stupid answers." After teaching CCD now for three months, I'd like to reorganize that sentance....
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Post by Bromhead24 on Dec 23, 2007 10:42:38 GMT -5
Why is a shoe called a shoe?
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Post by Greg C. on Dec 23, 2007 11:36:57 GMT -5
There is such a fine line between clever and stupid.
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Post by seguin on Dec 24, 2007 0:18:44 GMT -5
There is such a fine line between clever and stupid. Huh?
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Post by neferetus on Dec 25, 2007 1:47:43 GMT -5
In ALMOST AN ANGEL, Paul Hogan remarks how "there's a fine line between wierd and wise." (By the way, I highly recommend this film.)
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Post by neferetus on Dec 27, 2007 22:27:51 GMT -5
There's an old maxim that says how "a fool and his money are soon parted." But then, how did the fool get the money in the first place?
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Post by neferetus on Dec 27, 2007 22:31:19 GMT -5
We need to be careful what lessons we learn from experience. A cat that sits upon a hot stove lid will never sit upon a hot stove lid again. But she will never sit upon a cold one, either. MARK TWAIN
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Post by Bromhead24 on Jan 3, 2008 16:57:23 GMT -5
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! ;D
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Post by seguin on Jan 3, 2008 20:01:28 GMT -5
There's an old maxim that says how "a fool and his money are soon parted." But then, how did the fool get the money in the first place? From an even bigger fool...
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Post by seguin on Jan 3, 2008 20:02:29 GMT -5
If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog! ;D What an I say but...Vruf-vruf...
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Post by Bromhead24 on Jan 23, 2008 10:14:57 GMT -5
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters .
Only in America! ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe t he process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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Post by seguin on Jan 23, 2008 10:22:50 GMT -5
Just great, Bromy! Simply hilarious! It made me laugh... ;D
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Post by Cole_blooded on Jan 23, 2008 22:51:43 GMT -5
Hilarious post Mike! ;D TED COLE....aka....Cole_blooded
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Post by Cole_blooded on Jan 23, 2008 23:19:23 GMT -5
You stay up for 16 hours He stays up for days on end. You take a warm shower to help you wake up. He goes days or weeks without running water. You complain of a 'headache', and call in sick. He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. He still fights for your right to wear that shirt. You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. You talk trash about your 'buddies' that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again. You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He doesn't get to eat today. Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean. You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over. He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months. You ca ll your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume. You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet. You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting. You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him. He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded. You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the broken bodies lying around him. You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger. You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat. You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long. ..............REMEMBER our Troops, and do not forget them LATER Lest we forget - These troops deserve our thanks and God bless em!
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Post by Bromhead24 on Feb 11, 2008 13:24:31 GMT -5
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
A day without sunshine is, like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Why do we call it quicksand if it takes you down slowly?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we call it a guinea pig if it is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig?
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
How come you fill in a form by filling it out?
Why does a house burn up as it burns down?
Has anyone noticed that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it good to be a wise man and bad to be a wise guy?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?
If you are in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the key pad of the drive through ATM?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why isn't phonics spelled the way it sounds?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How can you have a "jumbo shrimp?"
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they grow to be troubled and insecure?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Is there another word for synonym?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
Most packages say "open here." What's the protocol for packages that say "open somewhere else."
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why is it that when you send something by car it's called a shipment, but when you send something by boat it's called cargo?
Why do kids get in trouble at school for "acting smart?"
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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Post by Bromhead24 on Feb 28, 2008 18:30:31 GMT -5
Subject: Fw: Military Wit and Wisdom > > > Wit and Wisdom from Military Manuals & Other Sources > > 'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.' > - Infantry Journal > ----------------------------- > 'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed' > - U.S. Air Force Manual > ----------------------------- > 'Aim towards the Enemy' > - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher > ----------------------------- > 'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' > - U.S Marine Corps > ----------------------------- > 'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed > always to hit the ground.' > - USAF Ammo Troop > --------------------------------------------------- > 'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered > automatic weapons.' > - General MacArthur > --------------------------------------------------- > 'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.' > - Infantry Journal > --------------------------------------------------- > 'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.' > - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. > ---------------------------------------------------- > 'Tracers work both ways.' > - U.S. Army Ordnance > ---------------------------------------------------- > 'Five second fuses only last three seconds' > - Infantry Journal > ---------------------------------------------------- > 'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do > anything.' > - U.S. Navy Swabbie > ---------------------------------------------------- > 'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' > - David Hackworth > ----------------------------------------------------- > 'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' > - Infantry Journal > ----------------------------- > 'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' > - Joe Gay > ---------------------- -------------------------------- > 'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' > - unknown > ------------------------------------------------------ > 'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do .' > - Unknown Marine Recruit > ------------------------------------------------------- > 'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' > ----------------------------- > 'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' > - USAF Ammo Troop > ------------------------------------------------------- > 'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' > - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) > ------------------------------------------------------- > 'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' > ----------------------------- > 'Blue-Water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in > the sky.' > - From an old carrier sailor > ------------------------------------------------------ > 'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter > -- and, therefore,unsafe.' > ----------------------------- > 'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power > left to get you to the scene of the crash.' > ----------------------------- > 'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.' > ----------------------------- > 'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? > If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up... The pilot dies.' > ----------------------------- > 'Never trade luck for skill.' > ----------------------------- > The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: > 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh Shit!' > ---------------------------- - > 'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.' > ----------------------------- > 'Airspeed, altitude and brains. > Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.' > --------------- --------------- > 'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!' > ----------------------------- > 'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead > batteries.' > ----------------------------- > 'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on > the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.' > ----------------------------- > 'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill > you.' > - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) > -------------------------------------------------------- > 'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its > maximum.' > - Jon McBride, astronaut > -------------------------------------------------------- > 'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as > possible.' > - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot ) > ----------------------------- > 'A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect > it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' > - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. > -------------------------------------------------------- > 'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.' > ------------------------------------------------------ > 'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' > - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 > -------------------------------------------------------- > 'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.' > ----------------------------- > Basic Flying Rules: 'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the > edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of > ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space... It is much more > difficult to fly there.' > ----------------------------- > 'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to > taxi to the terminal.' > ----------------------------- > As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the > wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a > bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'. > The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' > - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot) > > >
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Post by Greg C. on Feb 29, 2008 22:43:38 GMT -5
A man walked into a bar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And said "Ouch".
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Post by seguin on Feb 29, 2008 23:03:49 GMT -5
"Have I offended anyone?...No? - Oh, dear, I obviously have´nt explained myself clearly enough." ;D
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